Real Girl
by nicole.fraser1
Summary: one of Gabriel's illusions becomes real and wants to live a human life, but with no real memories of her own how can she figure out where he ends and she starts and is it safe for her to go and form new memories and live the human life she wants so badly to live
1. Chapter 1

They had all vanished, but she hadn't. Since this had never happened before it took a long time for her to realize she was still standing there, and Gabriel had left. She stood still for a long time her gaze fixed on the, now empty, table. The place was completely empty. Where had they all gone and why had she not gone with them?

As the minutes passed she became more aware of her body, it felt so heavy. She had no memory of having such a heavy body.

She left the apartment, hoping she could catch up with Gabriel and ask him what had just happened. On her way out she bumped into someone who smelled odd and overwhelming, like skin and wool, and something else. She avoided his gaze and kept going.

Outside she covered her ears and closed her eyes, it was so loud and so bright. "Gabriel, where are you?" she asked in barely a whisper as she ducked back into the apartment.

She went back to the apartment and walked back to the table. They had been standing by the table, so it made sense that she return to doing that.

He appeared in front of her, "you're still here?"

"What am I?" she asked, "and why am I so heavy?"

He examined her for a moment, "you, appear to be human."

"Are you sure? I have memories and they go back a long time. Or I have your memories. I don't have human memories, unless being heavy counts."

He went to speak a few times but said nothing.

"I'm human. That's good. I think I like humans. I can get a job, and buy chocolate and cake."

"It's not that simple. Like you said, you have my memories. It isn't safe for you out there. Also, we don't know who did this to you. You're not supposed to be real, but you are. There are way too many angels and demons out there who would love to get their hands on you. No."

She frowned, and thought for a moment, then dropped her head sadly, "Oh, yeah. So what do we do? I want to keep being real. I want to meet real people and talk with them. I can ask them their perspective on the universe. I can figure out mine!"

He looked at her hesitantly, then took a deep breath.

As she waited for him to speak she started to think over the memories she had. Many of the recent memories were clear but fragmented. She tried to search her mind for someone who had shown any interest in her in the recent past, trying to sort out who could have possibly caused her to become human. Just as he was about to speak she remembered who had last looked at her with some interest. It was a human and she remembered someone calling him Dean. She snapped her fingers, "yes, Dean! That's it."

The next moment she was somewhere else, and she couldn't see a thing and there was a knife at her throat.

"Are you Dean? I apologize, I can't see you."

"Who are you and what are you doing in my room?" his voice was painfully loud in her ear."

"Um, my name is Ga… no that's his name. My name is Lo…no him again. I have a name! All humans have names and I'm human! But what am I doing here? I don't know."

He released her and went and turned on the light. "Alright, talk."

"Um, did you make me human?"

"Did I what?" he took a closer look at her, then a big grin spread across his face, "I remember you. You were one of the girl's…but wait, you were an illusion the trickster created. So how are you here?"

He splashed her with water and some of it got in her eyes. she buried her face in her arm, rubbing her face against her sleeve.

"Not possessed."

"He was as surprised as you were. I think he was going to say something before I…he will be looking for me."

"Well first things first, we need something to call you." He looked her over for a few minutes then said, "you look like a Claudia."

She smiled, "Claudia. I like it."

"Excuse me," Gabriel appeared behind Claudia, "if you wanted juice, you could have asked."

Claudia spun to face him, "I drew from you to do that?"

"'fraid so and it was an unusual sensation, I must say. Maybe we can try it again some time, with safe words, but for now, it's time to go home."

"Claudia, do you know this guy?" Dean asked, positioning himself between Gabriel and Claudia.

"Claudia? I like it, so I will forgive you for naming my toy, if you'd just step out of the way."

"I am not your toy Ga.." he moved his hand in sweeping motion and her mouth shut.

"Right, you're human now and you want a human life and," Gabriel was behind her again with his hand on her upper arm, "if I can give that to you, I will. I promise. There are some questions I need answered first."


	2. congrats on your existential crisis

Claudia: I found a blessing in all of this **dry chuckle** the longer I sit with your memories, the less vivid they are. I can't remember Heaven at all anymore, and hell is fading. The visual memory of the paths is almost gone

Gabriel: **inclines head and looks curiously at Claudia** are you suggesting that you and therefore I…have a more vivid memory of hell than heaven?

Claudia: No, just you are different in hell, just lovely **blush** not that I'm suggesting you go there or that you are..uh…

Gabriel: **chuckle** ah, that makes sense. For a human, my lower frequency manifestation would be less…painfully displeasing

**They sat in silence for what felt like a very long time, then Claudia got a panicked look in her eyes and her body suddenly tensed, her heart racing. Gabriel raised an eyebrow at her, waiting for her to speak**

Claudia: What if I lose all of my memories? They are fading now, what if I lose them?

Who will I be then?

Gabriel: Human, completely human, then you can get rid of me

Claudia: But without you, what will be left of me?

Gabriel: **slow deep breath** congratulations on your existential crisis

Claudia: But…*eyes filling with tears* what if there is nothing in me that isn't you? What if…I'm nothing

Gabriel: well, right now you are a beautiful mess, that's something

Claudia: I want to rip your throat out

Gabriel: that's wonderful and completely you. I seldom have that inclination

Claudia: …*speaks in a tiny voice* progress then! Oh goodie


	3. Peace

The stage was dark and she stood, draped in black and grey scarves. The lights were moving around her and she stood close to the microphone, waiting for the moment. Before her voice could fill the room, she had to bring her whole self present. She pulled her mind from the billion directions it liked to go, from the processing all of the stimulation it had taken in and really looked around her. They were waiting for her to begin and as the music started she began to sing. The moment her voice, deep and rich, filled the room, she could feel the tension break.

It didn't take much effort to draw on the emotional memory of heartache and fear of separation. She had gone such a dark place in her mind when she let him go, and she went there now. As she sang she watched the audience and could see that this feeling was not foreign to most of them.

She remembered Gabriel in hell, moving through there guiding one mystic or another, and she remembered he would sing. One memory that was almost gone involved standing in the darkness, singing a song about peace that sounded more like heartache. The peace is what made the agony tolerable, and now in this place, she sang her own song of peace

They would always be connected on some level and in this moment she could feel that connection. If she had wanted to she could have reached out to him now, and spoke from her mind to his. She didn't, but she did find reassurance in touching on this link, in remembering that it still existed. If the darkness got too great, for either of them, they could reach out and bring peace to the other.

The less she thought about what she was singing, the better her voice became and the deeper she went. Her audience was swaying, and looking up at her with wide eyes.


	4. darkness

It was a dark, cold night and she was walking home from work. She had been trying to ignore the feelings that were getting increasingly intense inside of her, to distract herself, but her food was sitting like a rock in her stomach and it was getting hard to breathe.

Something was wrong. A part of her had gone black and it was hungry for something. That hunger made her want to scratch out her insides and lay down and die because there was nothing she could conceive of to make the raw, desperate feeling go away.

She got home and paced the kitchen, finally pouring herself a glass of wine. She took a sip and frowned. It tasted vile and upset her stomach. She wanted to scream, or cry, but nothing came out of her mouth and her eyes stayed dry.

She considered reaching out to Gabriel, but changed her mind quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was let him see her like this. She pressed her face to glass of the window and breathed slowly. "Gabriel," she said, then clasped a hand over her own mouth.

She hadn't realized how cold she was until she felt a warm body behind her, and arms wrap around her. It was then that she started to cry. He didn't say anything, just stood with her holding her while she cried.

After what felt like hours but was only minutes, she turned to face him and he took a step back but kept a hand on her arm. They both started to laugh at the same time, and she pressed her face to his chest for a moment, shaking her head.

"Did you miss me that much?" he asked, messing her hair.

"I don't know what's wrong. I just," she paused for a moment and realized that the feeling had gone. "I.."

"Show business not all that you hoped it would be?"

She didn't respond, just went into the kitchen and poured him a glass of wine and took of sip of hers. It tasted normal now, and she could drink it. She brought him the glass and he accepted it, gazing out the window.

"Are you going to die?" she asked him, the hand holding her wine glass shaking as she said this.

He grinned and went to say something, then stopped and for a moment his face looked very sad and a touch concerned. "I'm sorry."

"Is that what I'm feeling? What will happen to me if you die?"

"I think it's time you come back to being a part of me. What you just felt, before I came, will only get worse if you continue to live once I'm gone. It won't be pretty. You will want to die but I don't know if you will be able to."

She downed her wine and stood beside him, stunned. After several moments of letting the news sink in she sighed, "okay, I'm going to take that chance. I don't want to give this up, no matter how much it hurts."

He nodded, and kissed her on the forehead. She reached up and took his face in her hands. She rose up onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his softly, closing her eyes. She stepped back and chuckled. "Sorry if that was bad touch, I just…"

He pulled her back to him, "bad touch? really? Are we an after school special now?" He kissed her then paused for a moment, "though this does feel a tad narcissistic." When they kissed next it felt, to Claudia, like the most natural thing in the world.

She pulled back and gave him a very stern look, "If I get a vote, I vote for you not dying."

He chuckled, "I will take your feedback into consideration."


End file.
